Golmer's Blog

Long, long ago, (actually only a couple or so years ago), the Republicals were in a real mess. See, they had elected, 8 years prior, a complete and utter putz of a president named Gollum George Bush. Why? Because he was vacuous, manipulable, white, Born Again Christian, recovering drug and alcohol addicted, rich, connected, oh, and did I mention again manipulable? 

Of course Gollum er, I mean George, had absolutely no business running a spatula at McDonalds, let alone a country (or a state, for that matter). He had pretty much fucked up everything he ever tried to do - college (alcohol), dodging Vietnam using daddy’s influence and the Reserves (drugs and alcohol), driving (at least alcohol), the oil business, a baseball team, the Texas Governorship - you name it - he was an A-#1 loser fuckstick at everything he EVER did. Ever. But they got him propped up and elected, even though he had trouble keeping a fucking pretzel from ending his miserable life. But hey, they could get him to sign on for blowing off the constitution by creating the Office of Faith Based Initiatives, right? All was good.

George Bush single-handedly tried to destroy the Republican Party - (and the country for that matter) turning it (them) into a money borrowing, money wasting, starting-his-own-Vietnam, economy killing, big government, copy of the fucking Titanic. He set her sail, poured on the coal, got up a good head of steam, pointed her toward the biggest iceberg he could find, sawed off the rudder, and cried havoc.

On about 2008, the Rebublicals realized that geez, the fucking Train Wreck called George Bush had really screwed the country. The bill would be coming due soon, and oh boy they sure didn’t want to get stuck with it, right? I mean if you fuck up really bad at the big dinner party and realize you forgot your wallet and daddy’s visa card at home, you make a bee-line for the door, right? They had some strong contenders - Fuckabee, Rommel, (Giuliani), Hell even the lawyer from Law and Order (well he didn’t work out so well after all, but he was REPUBLICAL enough). Any single one of them put up against Hitlary or Obama could have done a decent job.

So what do you do? Simple. You pull off your best candidates or even torpedo them by claiming they aren’t really Christian enough (like the poor, unfortunate Mitz Rommel who is, after all, an apostate to evangelicals) or just completely blow them off, like Fuckabee and Giuliani. No, see, what you do instead is put your weight behind somebody you KNOW will be rejected by the Republical base - you pick John (I’m a Maverick no wait I’m not a Maverick, well I do Maverick stuff so I guess you could say I’m a Maverick but I’m not really very Maverickal, really so I’m not a Maverick) McCain-mutiny to be your point man. And then you just let John McCain do what John McCain does - flip-flop around like a half-live baby seal that was clubbed over the head with a dumbfuck stick.

And wait for it - hey! Why don’t you be a REAL Maverick and pick the absolutely most inexperienced, worthless, vacuous, dumbfuck of a back-woods Soccer Mom who doesn’t even have a grasp of GEOGRAPHY, let alone the political landscape of the planet, to be your running mate!!! She can go off FOR you and say all kinds of retarded shit, making YOU, John McBaine, look like even more of a tool, not just to Republicals, but to everyone else as well!!  Then you can throw the election and practically guarantee a Democrapic win.

And since everyone with a brain can’t stand Hitlary, the next (and only) best thing to do is to hire someone as President that we don’t know anything about (which is refreshing in a way) and further a BLACK man, that practically every WASP Republical and trailer park inhabiting, Confederate Flag Waving Teabagger will absolutely HATE for 4 (at least) years.

Now you have someone who you can BLAME for everything that Gollum did for the last 8 years, and you can even make shit up like He’s a Socialist, he is a Muslim, he is forming Death Panels, He Hates ‘Murka, he is DESTROYING our KUNTRY!!! You can blame HIM for giving real numbers about how much shit the Republicals actually fucked up and spent and destroyed, turn it all around and make it HIS fault. You can stonewall in congress, foment hate and anger for 4 years, and then make yourselves (who really fucked everything up to begin with) look like the “good” guys and come riding in on your high horse in shining armor to “save” America from the dastardly Socialist’s failed experiment. 

When, in reality, what will really happen is that you will make the retardo-pendulum swing back in the Conservative direction (instead of steadying it down into the middle somewhere where it belongs) and continue where you left off in 2008 - driving the final nails in our collective coffins as a nation.